The Perfect Friendship

I rang my ‘Darling Friend’ & asked if we would call our friendship with each other a

Spontaneous Friend (as referred to here)


but no we felt, that had some limitations. YES! We did. We talked briefly (that’s for people who think we can’t be brief; we know we can but mostly we choose not to be) about if there is even a word ‘for us’.

We decided upon ‘the all encompassing friendship’. B L A H

The she said, “Well really we could call it The Perfect Friendship, that’s what it is isn’t it?”

We made a quick list to prove our theory, and then agreed we had the right title.

We recognise, there are people who will not agree, or don’t like the friendship we have, the depth & breadth of it, but as Barbara in Bank world (Australian TV commercial for showing contrast between insensitive bank & the brand on display)  says ‘it’s not my problem’. Or in this case ours.

Some friends and I called it  being 3 o’clock friends,  back when I was about 21.

We figured that up to 2am was a late night (hey, we were young) and after 4am could almost be counted as an early morning so

3am seemed to be the worst time for a phone call, (remember this is pre cell/mobile phones) or a tap on your window.

Also remember most of us were living at home then so we ran the risk of a parents wrath for deep-in-the-night disturbances.

The people I had this discussion with are not in my life now, haven’t been for years.

The person who fits this description took another 4/5 years to arrive in my life.

We met in hospital. Both about to have babies.

We had/have a lot in common.


“True friendships cannot be forced. Be honest about who you are and what you offer, and the right buddy will find you” (check this out)


We found we were what Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. refers to as Spontaneous Friends. Bit more, I assume you read the above paragraph.

From the get go my ‘Darling Friend’ spoke for us; this caused all kinds of hilarity as I didn’t always agree with what she said, especially regarding the food we were being served in hospital.

Honestly I can’t tell you if her 1st child was born before my last, if I left the hospital before her or vice versa.

I know my father designed her a new kitchen.

The years have unfolded.

We have been through divorce, marriage, my heart ops, her accident, raising children and indeed all that life has thrown at us.

Take any two women friends and you are going to know that the list will be long and varied.

We have never had an argument. Never. Ever. Ever.

Can you find this person for your life or is the just happening-ness part of what makes it magic?

Dr Irene begins to answer Rachel’s questions (remember Rachel from here)

Having a spontaneous friend is a rare and precious gift. She’s the kind of friend whom you can ask to come over right away to help you decide what to wear tonight–or the friend who’ll be sitting with you as you wait for your repeat mythography that was only scheduled this morning. She’s the person you can call on a Saturday afternoon to go for a walk in the park because the foliage is at its peak–or the one who will run over to a store with you within a half hour of closing just to see what’s there. Plans aren’t needed because you’re always there for each other, even at the last-minute, because your lives are so closely intertwined.

She goes on to suggest certain aspects that are needed – to make it happen/work. Personally my experience has been that whilst needed at the beginning some are not needed to sustain the friendship. Mostly I speak of the 1st item listed: Proximity. Accessibility becomes irrelevant too.

PROXIMITY
She lives close enough to you that getting together isn’t a hassle

INTIMACY
She feels as close to you emotionally as you do to her

ACCESSIBILITY
She is likely to be at a similar place in her life as you and share some of the same interests

FLEXIBILITY
She has a malleable schedule or one that seems to effortlessly mesh with

My Darling Friend and I used to live close, then I moved. Several times. We even lost each other for while.

My mother saw her photo in a local paper. We reconnected.

Women’s friendships have become more complicated; we are more mobile, are more likely to be multi-tasking, and are juggling homes, careers, and family. Like you, I have close friends that are far-flung across the map whose career paths have veered from mine. I have busy friends on my block with whom I have to schedule lunch dates weeks in advance. Both are frustrating! (Dr Irene wrote that)

In these friendships there needs to be a complete acceptance about the how & when & where contact is made. Frameworks kill them.

For us, it is pretty much daily. Recently she said she woke one morning and realised we hadn’t talked for a few days (It couldn’t have been more than 3) but the void was felt. awww

We now live 2 hours by plane apart, and then quite a drive after landing. But this does not matter in the least.

I often talk to my friend while she drives, hand free contact of course on the way to work or back.  Now she has Bluetooth.

She loves to cook so we talk while she cooks, she always tells me when I am on speaker phone

and tells me when people come into the room.

She recently had a stint in hospital and was totally bed bound. The risk of getting out of bed was not worth considering.

I had recently moved so we did interior decorating by phone.

1st we talked, then I took iPhone pix and emailed them to her, sent a text to say so & waited till I received a text back to say she had viewed the photos.

Or to alert me there would be a delay due to a Dr or a visitor.

Then I would call her back when I got the ‘now’ message & we talked through her ideas.

While she ate lunch I implemented the ideas and then took new photos of the arrangement

and sent them off with a text.

We talked endlessly of her situation, the options etc.

We talked about cultures she will encounter later in the year.

We talked about philosophies

We laughed.

We thought about crying. But we didn’t. Though we have: it’s all part of our well-balanced

Satisfying  Perfect Friendship.


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About Jane

Living through writing and Writing through life.
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